JUST SHOW UP
He hung up on me!
Often.
And he pissed me off.
He made me cry.
He held the line and I pouted like a little brat and I love him for all of it.
I remember I had the audacity to take a 90 day leadership course during the tail end of an abusive relationship. Ballsy huh?
I was stressed to the hilt in an unhappy marriage, twisted to the point of breaking in a high pressure job I hated. My ex said I would blow a blood vessel in my forehead and stroke out from all the screaming at everyone I did. I was a harpy….
I remember crying one day about how I hated my job. When he asked me what I wanted to do, I said I wanted to be a paramedic.
That is all I said. I wanted to. I became an EMT making shit money but I was happier, yet I still played the “one day” game.
A few years later I was working as an EMT, 5 kids at home, crazy cheating wildin ass husband with heavy hands and along comes this 90 day leadership class (comes with a team, a coach, a partner and…GOALS!!). I WAS SOLD!
I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
In no way was I prepared for the depth of which I would look into my soul nor the amount of love it would take for my coach to get me there.
I went in to this work in a state of terrible self esteem and self doubt. I did not have the ability to say no, saw obstacles and rules in every situation and I was STUBBORN.
I remember Cary asking me about my personal goal (because I cleverly worked on the other three first and most often) and this goal was so big in my heart that i avoided it.
Morning call:
Carey: Let’s talk about your goal?
Me: which one?
Carey: *silence*
Me: Hello?
Carey: Really?
Me: well….
Carey: Ok how much does it cost and how long will school be? How much do Paramedics get paid?
(notice he said Paramedic. I still didn’t say anything”
Me: Uhm. I’m not sure
Carey: *click*
I blinked a few times. Did he just hang up on me? I was honestly too chicken shit to call him back but I did. I mean, (insert a thousand reasons), I couldn’t quit. (Or could I)
I called him back. He answered. Said nothing. I said ( like a little kid ) HULLOW?
Carey: It’s your goal and you know less than I do. How bad do you want it?
I wanted it real bad. He edged me into discovery and time and again I made big obstacles out of little tasks. Like not having a computer to put an interest letter in to my employer. I was so caught up on the fact that i couldn’t get to a computer to write a nice letter while I was on shift that I would have let the opportunity pass me by to be sponsored by my company all over what the letter looked like. I wrote that bitch on a piece of printer paper on the hood of my ambulance in 120 degree heat in the parking lot on a friday evening at 5 oclock to shove it under a door.
I didn’t hear from them right away. It took a few weeks. It broke my heart a little but I learned to be brave and to stop thinking about the moving parts so much and focus on where I was headed and take steps to it.
I got hung up on alot. I learned to be clear and concise and speak what I mean and not to play victim.
Some twist of fate aligned things for me, because a student dropped from the program just days before it started. I got a phone call on a friday asking if I still wanted sponsorship. I said, “What do I gotta do?”
Show up, he said.
Ha.
How poetic.
SHOW. UP!
I ended up rolling into class late (like the diva I am) with a coffee and a pile of books they sent me to get. I didn’t have to take the entrance exam, or go on a wait list, or sign a contract. All I had to do is show up.
Sometimes it be like that when you JUST SHOW UP!!